In a Bleh State of Mind...

OK...so i have just come out of an episode...well i hope i am out of it....either that or i am temporarily relieved. So my heart has been heavy 4 more reasons than 1...and now that its that time of the month i have not been able to 'not cry'. Yes i cried last nite...and i cried...just now.

Why does one feel the need to cry though like serrsli...cant things just happen and you forget...its just sooo annoying i DONT WANT TO CRY but then my next option is having a hard time breathing...which i think i have gotten used to. At the same time somewhere in the corner of my mind i rely on these moments when i just let it out...bit by bit...yea not all of it cause usually these moments get me where i cant wail...which is everywhere really except i have had it to 'glass full'

Im sooo upset about things and im upset that im upset about them because i think i shouldnt be...especially when i think btwn Jan and Jun this year i have been to the bathroom in my office to bawl my eyes out with music in my eyes and its been on the same sort of issues....me, a guy, lack of one, home, my job, mixed with stuff i cant really explain but for those that wanna know, they r really pathetic frustrating things that make what ever else im thinking about even more pathetic.

So on this little episode i took my bb and ran to the bathroom b4 all my eyeliner ran down my cheeks in the office...was listening to closer by Goapele at the time...at the same time i was chatting to someone who was feeling horrible about tryna read for examz....so tryna wipe my tears i attended to this lady whose problems where obviously bigger than mine...she felt better..excellent! I was feeling horrible at this point...lol...the irony of the situation. Then There goes my baby by Usher came on...now this song makes me miss my ex...the last boyfriend i ever had and makes me feel good...only cause im imagining he's talking to me...but today it made me cry harder...y?? I for like ask myself...smh...then Kesha's Blah Blah came on...well i laughed...then got off the toilet seat...was still crying then i went into high mode.

Tola's high mode- im listening to music...eyes are closed....sensitive to the bass...and im dancing like the white girls that just move their hands, put their hands in their hair...or like them ones high on meth and step into a club...but are not rhythmless. Yes i identify with a nice high in the club....i guess....so i got into this mode...

Then she-wolf remix by Shakira and T-pain came on and in my mind o! I enter jungle girl sexy mode...this is another 1 i have that i cant explain without looking retarded. I already look sad to u lot...retarded shall not be added to the list...
I basically did my own...i wasnt crying anymore....

Then Intoxicated by WizKid, Soul E md Jesse jagz came on...FULL VIDEO GIRL MODE! All in the toilet o! Yes i have a video mapped out in my head for this song so i did it again...but i just imagined i was on a nite out .... in the 1st mode i described...lets jus say its good i dont walk around with a camcorder strapped to my back...as i am alone most times the things i get up to make ME wonder...talk less of you lot...but yea...i think by now i was alrite...
Now im a lil happier..


Then that song...its not even 2 minutes long...but Drake men...he just zero's in on the point so when 'Fall for your type' came on....i kent lie to you...i bailed from the bathroom b4 i sunk back in to the phunk i had just recovered from... Lol. That song is the story of my life and many other people's...if you can apply metaphorically the things that dont really apply literally...

*A guy that you might lust after, if he's very friendly has all the jokes...or just knows how to make you laugh and smile...and is attracted to you...should b a no go. Y? Because chances are that...he is just as friendly and nice and funny to almost all the other attractive girls that he knows...especially if he is single... Its a huge risk having feelings for such a person because the likely hood that the feelings may be returned in the same measure is low. Especially cuz they maybe spread thin...there would NOT be enuf for you... THIS I KNOW*
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That was just a lil irrelevant note...and this whole post is irrelevant i know...jus felt the need to depict something somehow... although i havent let it all out...there would not be a point...just cant tell those hurting me...so i stay stifling..but the tears re out now...or at least some of em...