Happiness....a choice? Really?

Lol...ok so i know i just started blogging like proper and my entries have been me moaning and writing sad rubbish (yes im irritated as well) but by Gods grace this too will pass!!! But meeeen....its not today o!

Got my first pay cheque today...BULLSHIT!!! Im so disappointed in it and in the fact that it immediately affected my level of job satisfaction...i swear i was happy about my job before o! Maybe its because i imagined a better pay cheque alongside all the learning i was hoping to accomplish....o well!

Still havent cried yet....was his birthday yesterday...to think i had plans...

My friend explained to me that im not used to having guys like me really deeply and thats why im running away from this new guy and it makes sense...i think...need to remove this kind of issue from the centre of my being and concentrate on more concrete things because im really starting to tick me off. Nothing prouctive is happening from my end........ok that is not true! Lord i am grateful and im sorry for that horrible statement i just made but its just that i know you made me for something great you know. i know im still young but a lot of years have gone by and according to mum i have not been as forthcoming with huge results as she knows i can be. Maybe im just too lazy and easily discouraged....what am i saying maybe...I AM!

On the bright side my co worker today gave me this huge idea...dunno how im gonna do it but it makes a lot of sense to me...im going to travel out of the country for a few months for some sort of work experience or just experience really! That has got my spirits up for this christmas....even though i feel like im coming down with something...*sobbery*

Im tired....i wanna go home! Im unhappy and i dont want to be....how on earth have i made a choice to be this way?? Please answer me!

I HATE STIFLING BACK TEARS!

Its soooo annoying! I feel a certain way and i know it would not do me any good so i try and reverse/reserve the feelings (whichever works best at that point in time). Who am i kidding though? I want to cry as in bawl my eyes out, scream, tell that idiot how much he hurt me nd that he is the bastard he never wanted to be and how i told him not to make me like him and he did...i told him not to hurt me and he did...i want to slap him and make him feel horrible for a good protion of his life...but thats just one side...

I know doing all this i run the risk of looking like a big fool...and people telling me "i told you so now it has happened you should have been prepared"...i just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and he seemed so sincere...am i that naive? Its not like i dont know about the possibility of these things happening but when your all up in the mix these possibilities elude your common sense...which eludes you as well...and ofcourse "emotions come before logic" LoL

Oh my days i want to move on...and each time i tell myself that i have all i need to do is hear one more thing or see one more thing and then that feeling comes...BrB

*bathroom break* i cant for the life of me understand why on earth someone would use the bathroom in a complex...not lock the door and not answer when someone knocks! Maybe she was expecting someone...lmao.

Contd. That feeling where your stomach goes all tight...you feel a little dizzy and you cant breathe...it gets coldand youo cant believe this is happening, you dont deserve it and you feel so stupid...and then it dies down for a little while... at least till when you are alone and are overwhelmed with the thoughts of the day with that one emotionally crippling event crowning them all.
And now im at the office...surrounded but alone still...listening to neo-soul....trying to work but the tears are making a come back. I dont know if its because my boss just came to my table asking me if i was ok...telling me i look like im barely hanging in there...i think i have so much more pent up than i have actually let go...if the tears come again i think i would just let them flow...even though it has become second nature for me to 'uncry'
Im allowed to right? I mean feel the way i do and not hate myself for it or disallow myself to feel this way....and yes i may have overflowing tear ducts...*whatever * but i know i have to move past this... i should cry soon...
The tears...ebbing closer to my appearing vulnerable...music making me happy but encouraging them...i hope to understand myself soon...lol...to cry or to stifle...that is the question....

*Other side of the coin*

You want love...pine for it...hate when its unrequited or when you believe you have "given" and you have been denied your rightful return. You hurt for ages...lick your wounds till they are sore and look like they can never heal (well they can...we just like feeling sorry for ourselves...Lord knows why)... and then its handed to you...and you cant do shit with it...you dont believe its real or you are just scared!
You enjoy it in the beginning and then its "all in your face" then you are not sure if you want it just this minute...or you would have appreciated it more from someone else...all types of excuses....What the f*** do you want????
Ok for me now...its distance...txt language...the way he speaks sometimes...these things are horribly important to me even though they look like im being petty...but they affect my attraction to the opposite sex...but he "loves" me....soooo much according to him. I feel bad because i see how i look to a guy thats feeling the way im feeling now...
Then again i cant be feeling bad about every choice i make or what i like and dislike...im going to have to live with it right?
Distance--im justified...he is far away...someone started liking me after seeing my twice....a few bbm's then it became regular...how does it wax sooo strong after this and then a few visits after a month of constant communication (none face to face mind you) and then he is in love...the thought gives me butterflies...but i dont know if it does more than that...the fact that he is far away makes it worse...
Today he says "i feel you getting distant...." How true is that? Soooo true! But ofcourse i made up a few excuses...assuring him it would be better soon...i do hope it gets better...or maybe im not ready...new outlook on life maybe...understanding now what it means when i guy says im not ready for a relationship (i really just want to f*** around for a bit). Sigh...always try shoes on before you diss them...lol.
I am in no rush...and i should take as much time as i want...but i feel bad still...o what to do!