Its soooo annoying! I feel a certain way and i know it would not do me any good so i try and reverse/reserve the feelings (whichever works best at that point in time). Who am i kidding though? I want to cry as in bawl my eyes out, scream, tell that idiot how much he hurt me nd that he is the bastard he never wanted to be and how i told him not to make me like him and he did...i told him not to hurt me and he did...i want to slap him and make him feel horrible for a good protion of his life...but thats just one side...
I know doing all this i run the risk of looking like a big fool...and people telling me "i told you so now it has happened you should have been prepared"...i just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and he seemed so sincere...am i that naive? Its not like i dont know about the possibility of these things happening but when your all up in the mix these possibilities elude your common sense...which eludes you as well...and ofcourse "emotions come before logic" LoL
Oh my days i want to move on...and each time i tell myself that i have all i need to do is hear one more thing or see one more thing and then that feeling comes...BrB
*bathroom break* i cant for the life of me understand why on earth someone would use the bathroom in a complex...not lock the door and not answer when someone knocks! Maybe she was expecting someone...lmao.
Contd. That feeling where your stomach goes all tight...you feel a little dizzy and you cant breathe...it gets coldand youo cant believe this is happening, you dont deserve it and you feel so stupid...and then it dies down for a little while... at least till when you are alone and are overwhelmed with the thoughts of the day with that one emotionally crippling event crowning them all.
And now im at the office...surrounded but alone still...listening to neo-soul....trying to work but the tears are making a come back. I dont know if its because my boss just came to my table asking me if i was ok...telling me i look like im barely hanging in there...i think i have so much more pent up than i have actually let go...if the tears come again i think i would just let them flow...even though it has become second nature for me to 'uncry'
Im allowed to right? I mean feel the way i do and not hate myself for it or disallow myself to feel this way....and yes i may have overflowing tear ducts...*whatever * but i know i have to move past this... i should cry soon...
The tears...ebbing closer to my appearing vulnerable...music making me happy but encouraging them...i hope to understand myself soon...lol...to cry or to stifle...that is the question....
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