Argh!

I am just popping in to say sometimes i hate as in really really hate responsibility...does that make me a bad person. Like i am almost 100% sure im goin to screw something up! Y do people just see me and believe i know so much...do i deceive people with the way i act?? IS their some air of charisma about me that i am SO UNAWARE of?!?! Or are people just lazy or believe im the nicest of the bunch and therfore i am the least likely person to say no?? Yea thats probably it...though i swear they have another thing coming if they want shit done rite...

The only gas i have got is that little tiny belief that 4 you to have seen something then there has to be something there...so i can...i will!! I have to try!!! 4 u 2 resort to me you must be at your last bus stop so i cant disappoint you...or me...being my harshest critic i would disappoint me no matter what ...

In any case thats whats grinding my gears this morning/afternoon! Ok...i wud snap out of it...at least im special...enough...



I used this foto lemme not lie cuz i see myself like this in my mind...i wish i was like her...im sure she can do back flips, speaks wise words, is very mysterious and just shocks everyone all the time...in a good way of course. Sigh...im such a day dreamer...bleh!

Vexation!

I am so sorry to say but it seems as if some words in the english language have lost their meaning... unfortunately. Now besides this issue that i obviously want to talk about.... words like 'might' 'maybe' 'almost' you knw words that depict that there is a lack of 'certainty' if that word has not lost its meaning as well...are now words that show a firm assertion...and most people just push this assertion to mean 'YES' That issue for one has been on my mind for a while...just thought to share...who feels me?!?
You dont? Thats ok...if other people did it would not be a problem and i would not have shared it...

Now the issue at hand: A client...infact the first client i ever had in this company...that gave me hell and made me feel so inadequate...contacted me yday saying they needed me to do another job for them based on the contract we had with them earlier. I was pissed off initially cause i mean they gave me grief the first time and frustrated all my efforts. Also i did not know of any formal agreement existing with them anyway so i forwarded the email to my boss and he didnt get back to me till later on explaining that they where talking about pay! Ok so they want the pay to be the same as it was last time...cool... i asked my boss if we where taking it (of course i knew we where taking the brief...just had to ask) and he said yes. "Just let them know the payment has to change especially cuz of the grief given last time. However i would like you to call and discuss with them..."this was after i had drafted an email giving all this info. So i made the call and the lady says ok she would need to discuss in house and get back to me. She would just need for me to put it in writing so she has something to refer to.
Ladies and Gents i would like to let you knw that my boss did not indicate that there was something wrong with the email in the first place. He wanted me to talk to them first. So i sent the email to her (i could just as easily have been discussing still...especially as i just wrote down exactly what i had said) Ok maybe i should have told my boss again before sending it but i thought to take initiative *bite me*
So i sent it and i was waiting for them to get back to me so i could revert to my boss!

Then my boss called me like an hour or so later asking if i had called i said yes. He asked when i was going to revert i now explained what happened and i was going to talk to him when they got back to him. He asked why i emailed them. I then had to repeat that she asked for it . He asked why he was not copied... In my experience if you are asked a question you give an answer so i said it was because i had sent him the exact email before. He said that was not enough reason not to copy him...ok...mistake made...i think...
He then asked why i even sent the email...i said it was because the lady needed the information to discuss it in house...he now says he wont be surprised if they say they dont wanna do business with us after the email...because he said something was wrong with the email in the first place!!! HA!!! See me o! He didnt o! But ok...i have found bosses need to tell themselves somethings to guarantee some sort of security 4 themselves. SO far as i have not been accused of stealing or anything along those lines...i would deal. He now went on a rant of how im just givin alibi's and excuses when really i should have accepted i made a mistake. This man was askin me questions and giving pauses 4 me to answer 4 Gods sake! Im not saying i didnt do something wrong (let me not lie im still unsure about this...but i didnt give the impression that i thought i was beyond reproach) He now said "do u understand what i said or do u need me to explain? I mean if we lose the account its nothing to lose sleep over.... we all make mistakes. Im still making mine so its no worry. Just need you to realise you made a mistake" WHAT THE ARRANT F***??!?! Oh well i said yes i understand...apologised and walked out....am i pissed off??

In a Bleh State of Mind...

OK...so i have just come out of an episode...well i hope i am out of it....either that or i am temporarily relieved. So my heart has been heavy 4 more reasons than 1...and now that its that time of the month i have not been able to 'not cry'. Yes i cried last nite...and i cried...just now.

Why does one feel the need to cry though like serrsli...cant things just happen and you forget...its just sooo annoying i DONT WANT TO CRY but then my next option is having a hard time breathing...which i think i have gotten used to. At the same time somewhere in the corner of my mind i rely on these moments when i just let it out...bit by bit...yea not all of it cause usually these moments get me where i cant wail...which is everywhere really except i have had it to 'glass full'

Im sooo upset about things and im upset that im upset about them because i think i shouldnt be...especially when i think btwn Jan and Jun this year i have been to the bathroom in my office to bawl my eyes out with music in my eyes and its been on the same sort of issues....me, a guy, lack of one, home, my job, mixed with stuff i cant really explain but for those that wanna know, they r really pathetic frustrating things that make what ever else im thinking about even more pathetic.

So on this little episode i took my bb and ran to the bathroom b4 all my eyeliner ran down my cheeks in the office...was listening to closer by Goapele at the time...at the same time i was chatting to someone who was feeling horrible about tryna read for examz....so tryna wipe my tears i attended to this lady whose problems where obviously bigger than mine...she felt better..excellent! I was feeling horrible at this point...lol...the irony of the situation. Then There goes my baby by Usher came on...now this song makes me miss my ex...the last boyfriend i ever had and makes me feel good...only cause im imagining he's talking to me...but today it made me cry harder...y?? I for like ask myself...smh...then Kesha's Blah Blah came on...well i laughed...then got off the toilet seat...was still crying then i went into high mode.

Tola's high mode- im listening to music...eyes are closed....sensitive to the bass...and im dancing like the white girls that just move their hands, put their hands in their hair...or like them ones high on meth and step into a club...but are not rhythmless. Yes i identify with a nice high in the club....i guess....so i got into this mode...

Then she-wolf remix by Shakira and T-pain came on and in my mind o! I enter jungle girl sexy mode...this is another 1 i have that i cant explain without looking retarded. I already look sad to u lot...retarded shall not be added to the list...
I basically did my own...i wasnt crying anymore....

Then Intoxicated by WizKid, Soul E md Jesse jagz came on...FULL VIDEO GIRL MODE! All in the toilet o! Yes i have a video mapped out in my head for this song so i did it again...but i just imagined i was on a nite out .... in the 1st mode i described...lets jus say its good i dont walk around with a camcorder strapped to my back...as i am alone most times the things i get up to make ME wonder...talk less of you lot...but yea...i think by now i was alrite...
Now im a lil happier..


Then that song...its not even 2 minutes long...but Drake men...he just zero's in on the point so when 'Fall for your type' came on....i kent lie to you...i bailed from the bathroom b4 i sunk back in to the phunk i had just recovered from... Lol. That song is the story of my life and many other people's...if you can apply metaphorically the things that dont really apply literally...

*A guy that you might lust after, if he's very friendly has all the jokes...or just knows how to make you laugh and smile...and is attracted to you...should b a no go. Y? Because chances are that...he is just as friendly and nice and funny to almost all the other attractive girls that he knows...especially if he is single... Its a huge risk having feelings for such a person because the likely hood that the feelings may be returned in the same measure is low. Especially cuz they maybe spread thin...there would NOT be enuf for you... THIS I KNOW*
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That was just a lil irrelevant note...and this whole post is irrelevant i know...jus felt the need to depict something somehow... although i havent let it all out...there would not be a point...just cant tell those hurting me...so i stay stifling..but the tears re out now...or at least some of em...

A boombox is NOT a toy!!

Was gonna blog about cramp memories this morning...(yea i still have em even if its day 3 now) cuz they have been on my mind since last night plus my boss asked me what was wrong with me cuz i have been flinching since i got to work...and he wasnt grossed out when i told him. Infact he had a few memories of ex-girlfriends to share with me.

About my boss he can be really nerve wrecking and stuff but i think he's about the best one can get cuz of the ideals he has...IMO...but when he sees pressure like this...naturally we suffer it and thats when i rave and rant that he's a pig and stuff! Apart from his perverted comments, he is quite funny and a walking database! Yea he is a very smart man...thats me appreciating him and taking note of his positives. Let it not be said that i never did this...Selah

However i shall not be blogging about said cramps cuz it may 1. Gross you out or 2. Make you feel sorry for me and quite frankly Lord knows how many people are on that tip now...is it helping me tho? Nope Nyet Nee Hiii!!!

Now sometimes...when i just sit down and think about someone i still talk to but has upset me in some way and i am in the process of trying to forget whateva it was i think up some mean horrible disses men...as in i shock myself...like it may be in simple English and to the sterile mind may not even mean much but...it does to me...and i know in the heat of the moment of i said em out loud to whoever it would really hurt them...so i dont...even if they r hurting me...my mind works in mysterious ways.

Now im going to actually try to write a song...a friend of mine sends me his awesome beats from time to time so im gonna try and sing a long to em on repeat and see what i come up with...hope it works... Just tried looking for a photo and saw one of Chuck Norris...why oh why did that crack me up?!? O yea...blame twitter...lol But i love the one i got...its pretty...

Procastination is a bitch! That is all i have to say on this... So is lusting after someone you cant have...or should'nt...but their is nothing new under the sun so i think i would either keep quiet and wait for these bitches to continue on their never ending cycle. or slap them outta my way! Option 2 is best but unfortunately im comfy with option 1...for now at least...sigh...

Its my mother's birthday soon...the big 50! Woop! I know what to get her but i have no money ... quite disgraceful for a 1st born isnt it.... Nothing new there but i would work it out...somehow...

I loooove lonely island btw....and i jus found out a certain Julian Casablancas is the one hu sang on my fave track by them "Boombox" Check the video out here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yvEYKRF5IA *Warning* This vid could gross you out...i said I LIKED IT...not that you would too ok...
Now i have a crush on Julian...lol. If only he was real...need to get a new crush asap so i can 4get about pointless ventures if you know what i mean... Yea this song inspired my title...and my bbm status....

There is something about the bass in a jam....it makes it complete kinda...4 me...and im out...

Stifling...still dealing....not saying everything

Soooooo....yesterday the sun roof of my car flew off the top of it while i was driving down the bridge on my way to church. Now i was already pissed off i could not go to Babcock that day cuz the set i would have been in if i stayed there was graduating...this traumatized me! I was in church looking so forlorn...and i was surprised how many people where like...Tola you dont look good...or in church speak "Tola, your countenance is low" LoL Well whatever they said didnt work...i was sad and of course going down the oh so familiar path of "Why me FFS?!?" Yea it has come to my knowledge that i dunno how to handle material things now...no matter how many times mummy has said it...i didn't think i was that bad till just yesterday! The sun roof opened and flew off! Into the sea!!! Like does that happen to ANYONE?!? Its funny today oh but yesterday i was almost determined to not hold any form of technology in my life again...i mean come on! IT FLEW THE FUCK OFF THE FLIPPIN CAR!!!
Sigh...my day got worse...cramps started...ewwww! I just went to bed after church men...couldnt take it...woke up and my dad wanted to go see a movie...told them to go without me needed the crib to myself....SURROUND SOUND TIME!!! Felt a lil better...i need a lil flat to myself...something tells me i would function a lil better...just a teeny weeny bit more....the amount of calm that was about me when i was home alone was ridiculous....
Now its Monday...finally have time to myself after gettin into work and my boss went into panic mode and we started doing work we could have done since with some stupid deadline...me im just tayad o!!! O and i just came across a blog- http://www.mondayingidi.blogspot.com/ it just started but it looks like it would be pretty awesome and real....refreshing IMO! Check it out if yu have the time...or if you already havent lol....
I just really wanna give a shout out to all the women out there who are yet to reach menopause...or have kids...we are strong! This is me with cramps....been running around till now and it hurts soo much! Im yet to experience child birth o! I feel so pudgy and unattractive now as well...ewww! I finally relaxed my hair and after 40 mins of almost frying the hair it didnt relax entirely...somehow that makes me smile...dunno y! Especially as its burnt in some places as well... I guess its till December till i smell such again! Hair looks nice and healthy tho...shud b really REALLY nice after i steam it...
I miss my siblings...sigh...shogl8 nd NaeNae ...sigh sigh sigh... LoL...actually try and do that...sigh in quick succession 3 times...
Still tryna find the right foto for this post... 4 minutes later...i think i found the perfect 1...u may not understand it cuz...i havent been very thorough in this post...then again with that last line you just might
10 mins later- for some reason this photo has refused to upload....shud i look for something just as perfect or be patient?? Aka should i be a guy or a girl? Lmao...ok that was random...and dry....bleh....still trying.... Howeva i have found a foto that is really pretty but isnt very accurate...lemme put it in just to show u
HIAN!!! That 1 too is tryna frustrate me...i will b back...gonna reopen this blogger of a thing...KMT Omdays the pretty one loaded but its sooooo big! Ok if you are interested look at it here -------> http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs30/f/2008/166/7/0/Languish_in_Anguish_by_ChrissieCool.jpg
However i think the accurate one just loaded.... yup finally...sigh...

Pictureless Post....

Soooooo i have been stressed at work .... coupled with other things that i would love to class under irrelevant but cant seem to...bleehh!
I think my boss is placing fictitious deadlines on us for some reasons best known to him...i guess it comes with kissing clients asses...or whatever...its doing my head in tho. Thats how i have been wanting to go to the beach for ages now....finally had the chance but i had to work all day...i dont think im over it yet and its been 2 days after! LoL... maybe it was a good thing tho....dunno how i wud have looked beside all the other gurls there....NO this is NOT insecurity...this is fact! LOL...i aint mad at em...i know a lot of hot people...
Was thinking about bum pads the other day again....y tho? Like i wud neva get em...so y does my mind keep wandering there... Do i somewhere in my sub conscious think its not such a bad idea...i hope not
Just changed my bbm status to Lil Miss Discombobulated...im so unsettled these days...eewww! Twitter seems to be my comfort...momentarily of course! I should talk to God more...
It annoys me oh so much how my mind strays to the opposite sex and marriage o so much...now i have started thinking that it may just not happen 4 me...that something is really wrong with me and NO this is NOT me feeling sorry 4 myself...its just where my mind has strayed recently...i dont like it ....IYAMA!
My boss says we shud deliver somn at 12 today this is now past 10 and what he is supposed to send he hasnt...if i harass him now....
Im currently trying to look for something else to interest my mind body and soul without thinking of the irrelevant things that bother me...like guys...or 1 guy...or whatever...bleehh... I am not afraid of having selective amnesia or under going hypnosis at this point...
Rite now i am wearing this top my mum gave me...if not that it fit ok i would soooo not be wearing it...its almost hilarious...seems to b a hit in the office tho...weird people. Some things i just wear to make my mum happy...does she acknowledge such moves?? LOL...of course not...sigh...i feel ill...nd off...i also sense a good cry coming on...PMS? Maybe and maybe not...

Lord Help Me Walk Straight....

"Going around in circles clears the mind and soothes the soul"

Thats what i saw when i saw this photo i put up...and im like how ironic is it that im looking for this just because i am going round in circles...but im not happy about it...lol...sigh

Stuck my foot in it ...again
Made that mistake and went to assume...again
Here i am thinking about it...again
Thinking i could have gone without it... again
Thinking....was it good? Again
Or it really wasnt worth it....again
Or was it guilt that messed it up... again
Or am i just learning a lesson....again
Before i go ahead i think it thru over and over.... again
But then bits get missing (consequences) time and thoughts...slower....again
Now im sad...upset...waiting to be over yet another thing...again
Cuz what i want i dont think i can get...again
Will i do it again?
But knowing me...and this vicious cycle im always on...i just might...again
And of course I'm hoping not....again